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Martin P.J. Edwardes (2026). Schplirt! The Coffee Table book you don’t want to see on a coffee table near you Scitsiugnil Press: London, UK. 8.5 meg file ISBN: 978-1-9999369-5-2 Copyleft
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This book lifts the lid on
sewage. It also lifts the seat and squats over the cold, cold porcelain,
paper at the ready to wipe away the tears. The story tells of a series of events which hopefully will never be part of your personal experience: sewage, sewage everywhere, nor any drop to drink. It is a sticky, smelly testimonial to the essential bleakness of existence, a busted flush, an unmitigated outflowing of detritus, a long, drawn-out flatus into the dark and dank night-time of life. Sometimes life delivers less than roses; but more, much more, than disappointment. Be grossed out by the pictures, appalled by the tales, vaguely amused by the bureaucratic moronocracy, as the story inexorably and inevitably slimes its way onward – from an inept and rapacious Gumment’s very, very, very bad idea to its inevitable conclusion in a group of unsuspecting East London back gardens. |
Contents
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What this book is about |
1 |
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7th November 2023: Our First Report to Thames Water |
2 |
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11th November 2023: The First Schplirt* to be Photographed |
4 |
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25th November 2023: Where do Schplirts Come from? |
5 |
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26th November 2023: Another Report to Thames Water |
6 |
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2nd December 2023: Yet Another Report to Thames Water |
8 |
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Interlude: The Roman Cloaca Maxima and Via Cloaca |
10 |
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December through February: The Gathering Storm |
11 |
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4th March 2024: First Official Complaint to Thames Water |
12 |
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5th March 2024: Response to First Official Complaint |
14 |
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Interlude: Making Poo and Pee in our Inner Sewer |
15 |
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12th March 2024: Creating Lake TWiticaca |
16 |
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4th June 2024: The Hail Maria Pass |
18 |
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29th July to September 2024: the Consumer Council for Water |
20 |
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Interlude: The CCW Customer Gavotte |
25 |
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September/October: Politicians, & Fish |
26 |
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Interlude: Glove at First S*ite |
37 |
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21st September 2024: Citizen’s Advice: Try Elsewhere |
38 |
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Interlude: The Amazing Mr Bazalgette |
40 |
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23rd September 2024: Just Another Drainy Day |
43 |
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Fighting the Hydra: Initiation |
44 |
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Interlude: A Sewage Pick’n’Mix |
49 |
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30th September 2024: Fishing for Red Herrings |
50 |
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Fighting the Hydra: Escalation |
52 |
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Interlude: Maggie Thatcher Invents Pooh Scream |
60 |
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Fighting the Hydra: Culmination |
62 |
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Interlude: Songs for Schplirtualists |
66 |
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1st January 2025: Blockage in the Blockage Reporting System |
67 |
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Fighting the Hydra: Review |
68 |
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9th February 2025: The Feast of the Schplirtathon! |
72 |
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Interlude: How the Sewage Treatment Works Works |
73 |
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Fighting the Hydra: Deadlines |
74 |
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Interlude: A page of Poophorisms |
77 |
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19th February 2025: Irony with a Brass Neck |
78 |
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Fighting the Hydra: Delays |
80 |
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Interlude: Nursery Songs to Count Bags by |
85 |
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27th February 2025: The Independent Water Commission |
86 |
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3rd March 2025: Recognition at Last! |
101 |
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Fighting the Hydra: Conclusions |
102 |
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4th March to 11th March 2025 – Awaiting Collection |
106 |
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16th March 2025: How to Clear a Damp Schplirt |
107 |
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1st April 2025: The Final Schplirt |
108 |
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9th July 2025: WE'VE CLOSED YOUR CASE |
109 |
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Interlude: The Disposability of Wipes |
110 |
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Appendix I: What is a Schplirt? |
112 |
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Appendix II: Shh … You Know What |
113 |
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Appendix III: Days of Whine and Rosaries |
114 |
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Appendix IV: Mathematics for Schplirtualists |
116 |
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Appendix V: A trip to the Crossness sewage works |
117 |
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Appendix VI: Things might have been a whole lot worse |
118 |
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Finale: Sunset over Lake TWiticaca |
119 |